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Come on. Just click it. You know you just came here for the porn. Please to be buying our things? Even if you didn't want to know more, we made this section. Just in case. Where we threw all the other shit.
 

News

 


Apparently we sometimes do things and then write about them. For when you forget a character's name or just want to laugh at our summarizing skills. If you're REALLY bored waiting for that new page, you can come read about us!. Please check here before emailing us! :D

Characters & Story

Much like Melrose Place, Teahouse is a story about a bunch of whores living in the same building. Only without the pool.

Teahouse is the story of a fancy brothel in the country of Ivore following the lives of the courtesans who live there, as well as the lives of the people who seek them out.

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Atros
Yo dawg I herd u like eyebrows

Name: Xanthe Atros
(pronounced "Zanth Atrohs")
Age: 28
Birthday: September 9
Sex: Male
Height: 5'11"

Voted most likely to need a nosehair trimmer.

Owner and manage of the Teahouse.


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Linneus
"Atros-sama, I..."

Name: Linneus
(pronounced "Lin-ee-uhs")
Age: 26
Birthday: April 5
Sex: Male
Height: 5'9"

Voted most likely to look better in your outfit than you.

The Teahouse's most seasoned courtesan, and old childhood friend of Atros.


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Axis
Wienermeat.

Name: Axis
Age: 23
Birthday: August 8
Sex: Yes please
Height: 5'7"

Voted most likely to bend over for oral.

The once top-earning male whore with a bad attitude and penchant for trouble.


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Rhys
BITCHES

Name: Rhys D'Ivore
(pronounced "Reese Dee-vore")
Age: 27
Birthday: April 27
Sex: Constantly
Height: 6'1"

Voted most likely to have illegitimate children in the double digits. Also voted Prom King.

The Prince of Ivore, who visits the Teahouse secretly to get his fuck on with Axis.


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Rory
uguuuu

Name: Rory Dubois
(pronounced "Roar-ee Doo-bwah")
Age: 18
Birthday: June 7
Sex: Male
Height: 5'4"

Voted most likely to bake you cakes.

The current top earning male as well as the youngest, Rory is the resident virgin who is in an exclusive contract with a mysterious nobleman.


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Reed
Reed and his constant DO NOT WANT face.

Name: Alistair Grayson Dorian Reed III
(pronounced "pretentious fuck")
Age: 32
Birthday: September 15
Sex: Male
Height: 6'5"

Voted prettiest hair.

A germaphobic and OCD nobleman who sees Rory exclusively.


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Gilder
GILDER Y U SO MOE

Name: Gilder
Age: 29
Birthday: September 28
Sex: Male
Height: 6'6"

Voted most likely to die by age 40 of liver failure while covered in sluts.

An assassin who likes spending his gold on whores and booze. Might start seeing a certain pink-haired whore on a regular basis...


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Sacha
SACHA JUDGE.

Name: Sacha Edorovka
(pronounced "Saht-cha")
Age: 25
Birthday: November 3
Sex: Male
Height: 5'4"

Voted most likely to try to top you in your sleep.

Gilder's ESL partner in crime who hails from the North.


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Mouse
Blushy ferret is blushy

Name: Mouse
(pronounced "MAOUWSE")
Age: 2
Birthday: February 14
Sex: Male
Height: 7"

Voted most likely to have your wallet.

Sacha's tiny partner in crime who lives to live in Sacha's coat. Likes shiny things.


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Claret
More commonly known as "herp derp"

Name: Claret
(prounouced "Claire-eht")
Age: 24
Birthday: June 21
Sex: Female
Height: 5'6"

Voted most likely to eat all the cake.

A female courtesan who tries her best but doesn't make the cut most of the time. Sweet and caring but kind of a derp.


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Mercutio
He must have his beauty sleep!

Name: Mercutio
Age: ???
Birthday: ???
Sex: Male
Height: 6'0"

Voted most likely to be watching you while you sleep.

Fucking whatever.


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Lilith
SO MANY FEELS

Name: Lilith
Age: 24
Birthday: March 28
Sex: Female
Height: 5'7"

Voted most likely to be a NYX make-up model.

Most seasoned female courtesan and top earning female. Has some sort of past with Atros and Linneus.


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Argent
BAMF

Name: Argent
Age: 27
Birthday: January 1
Sex: Female
Height: 6'1"

Voted most likely to cut you with how fucking awesome she is.

Atros' bodyguard and confidante. Quiet and observant.


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Zephyr
Zephyr is like a kewpie.

Name: Zephyr Langston
Age: 28
Birthday: August 30
Sex: Male
Height: 6'0"

Voted most likely to be #1 at being #2.

Rhys' Captain of the Guard. Loyal to a fault.


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Evelyn
Slightly less entitled than Rhys.

Name: Evelyn D'Ivore
Age: 22
Birthday: August 30
Sex: Female
Height: 5'6"

Voted Miss Congeniality.

Prince Rhys' younger princess sister. Close with her older brother, who treats her like gold.


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Gloria
Nice fro, bro.

Name: Gloria Elizabeth Averill Buckley
Age: 26
Birthday: November 15
Sex: Female
Height: 6'0"

Voted most secrets (they're all in her hair).

Rhys' soon-to-be wife who don't give a fuck about him.


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Vann
Mr. Glassesface

Name: Vann Ezra Brennan Bryson
(pronounced "Vahn Ehz-rah")
Age: 36
Birthday: December 23
Sex: Male
Height: 6'1"

Voted most likely to stay single. Forever.

Gloria's quiet and stubborn attendant.


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Yvette
DADDY I WANT A SQUIRREL

Name: Yvette Atros
Age: 25
Birthday: February 25
Sex: Female
Height: 5'6"

Voted most likely to have a title Daddy bought for her.

Atros' young and bouncy wife.


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Yvette
DADDY I WANT A SQUIRREL

Name: Remy Dubois
(pronounced "Reh-mee Doo-bwah")
Age: 18
Birthday: June 7
Sex: Female
Height: 5'4"

Rory's sweet and innocent twin sister... OR IS SHE!?!??!


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Yvette
DADDY I WANT A SQUIRREL

Name: Ash
Age: ??
Birthday: ??
Sex: Male
Height: 5'6"

Voted most likely to have the best lips in the world.

Young and bright-eyed blacksmith working in a lower part of Ivore.


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